I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
