I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
