ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
This toilet bowl is my home.
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