life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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