You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Floor bacon is actually really good
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
