Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
