he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
