she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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