The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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