Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
