you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
