its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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