i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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