420 ftw
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
