my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
