it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Life is so much better after having sex.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
