you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize