I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
