Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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