i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
