Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
