We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Two words: nipple clamps
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