I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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