She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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