Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
