oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
