Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
