So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
