I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize