His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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