Pants 0. Shit 1.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize