Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
