You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
