Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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