Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize