If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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