Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
