Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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