Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
