hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
