may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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