Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize