just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize