dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize