If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
