I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
