Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
