I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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