Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
