just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
