At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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