I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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