i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
