I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize