don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
