just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
