Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Help me help you realize you are a moron
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
