**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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