I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
