the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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