Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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