I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We have so much sex to catch up on
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
