my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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