yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
